Disaster Diaries: What to do when you lose a piece of jewelry at work?
Disclaimers:
- This is a long one, so I suggest you get some snacks!
- If you know who I am, and more importantly who my father is… please NEVER show this to him. I’d really appreciate it!
- Dear people at work, don’t take it personally, okay? Thanks.
Step 1. PANIC! Frantically check body part that the jewelry is usually attached to. Repeatedly.
Step 2. Punch the third person who asks “Where do you remember seeing it last?”. Not the first two, they'll serve as witnesses that you would never hit a person - even though you did - and then the police can’t put you in jail. you’re welcome.
STEP 3. Look under your desk. Twice. Move everything, even if it is the dead office plant you’ve never gone near – because EW, Nature = bugs. Gross.
STEP 4. PANIC some more.
STEP 5. Secretly accuse that one co-worker who isn’t helping you find your jewelry!
Brain: “It's got to be her, she isn’t even helping. Why? Because she obviously knows where it is… because she has it! That witch. I never even liked her. She can’t even do her job (even though she can and is probably super qualified)! How dare she not help! Me losing my *insert lost jewelry piece* means that no one can do anything work-related till it’s found! God I hate her. URGH! (Rationally you know it’s not her, but this is not the time to be rational)Hopefully you have a better poker face than I do, because I’m pretty sure everyone in the office could tell who I was accusing. (If you’re reading this, I’m truly sorry!)
STEP 6. Stop and think about the contents of your purse or drawers. Spare pair of granny panties because you’re about to start your period? Hidden stash of Chocolate you’re lying about? Is it just a mess? No, well then it’s fine and you’re safe. (I can hear you judging me. STAPH it.)
Step 7. Once you have quickly shoved the granny panties in your pockets, you can allow your (nosy) colleagues to recheck all your stuff.
Step 8. Talk to security (and the biggest office gossips) and convince them to check all the security tapes… Beware, they will give you plenty of unsolicited advice of things you coulda/shoulda done. Do not punch them!
TIP 1: Have a picture of your jewelry on your phone. I told the security guard I had lost a tennis bracelet and I’m pretty sure he thought I had a bracelet with tennis-ball-charms. Thank god for google!
TIP 2: Make sure the person takes down all the right information for insurance purposes later. Name (not your Starbucks name, the real one!), date of birth (This is not the time to lie about your age Sharon!), and NUMBER!!! How else is this person supposed to reach you for any additional questions, or if they find it? And you need to get information from them too! Name, department and number you can reach them (or their department) on 24/7!
Step 9. Retrace your steps, in and out of the office.
Step 10. Come back to the office disheartened because you did not find the bracelet and consider creating a “lost property” flyer to hang around the area.
Step 11. Realize how stupid that idea is, it’s not a cat and there is no need to have people looking for it with the wrong intentions because your faith in humanity is pretty much 0%. Then re-check your office for the 10th time hoping the next time you open your drawers you miraculously find your bracelet.
Step 12. List (irrational) rewards: “Honestly, I don’t even care who has it, I just want them to return it… I'll give them cash/gift/beer/my firstborn etc.”
Step 13. Hide in the bathroom and cry (#WaterproofMascara) and then take off all your clothes to see if it got stuck somewhere in your clothes or hair (Again, STOP JUDGING ME!)
Step 14. Debate on whether to inform your parents/significant other/cat!
Apparently honesty is the best policy… So I called my mom (because my dad thinks I’m the golden child) and told her. Then I held my phone about 2 meters away from my ear and could still hear her screaming on the phone telling me how irresponsible I was. *sigh*
Context:
A few weeks earlier I may have been shimmying a little too aggressively to Jason Derulo’s Swallalalaaaa and lost the same bracelet. In a club. Obviously I found it, otherwise I wouldn’t have the same problem now…
My parents were concerned about the lock on my bracelet and told me to give it to them so they could get it repaired by a jeweler (Instead I put it in my jewelry box for safekeeping).
3 weeks later (a.k.a. yesterday) I forgot all about that nights’ drama, so when I opened my jewelry box for my earrings, I thought, huh, why not wear my bracelet too?
Step 15. Yell back at my mom saying:
"I can’t change the past, you’re not helping! It’s all your fault MOM!”
It’s ALWAYS your mothers fault.
Step 16. Hang up on mom and feel guilty about it, adding “apologizing to mom” to your to-do list. It then dawns on you that you have your period so anything said or done can’t be held against you. Right?
Step 17. Stress eat! Since you ate a sad, healthy salad for lunch, it’s perfectly acceptable to eat a full box of chocolate chip cookies by yourself.
Step 18. Time is running out, think of a (not-so-realistic) back-up plan, where you somehow end up in Canada.
Why Canada? Everyone is always in a good mood and Trudeau.
Step 19. Recheck Everything in the office one last time before the dreaded moth-in-gut feeling on the way home.
Step 20. Once you reach home, run to your jewelry box in a final attempt to not have to move to Canada. YOU FOUND IT! YAY, Omg, that’s amazing… you realize that this morning when you thought to wear your bracelet your brain did remember that the bracelet should not be worn and so you took it off again and left it in the box. You now have to call off the search party (super embarrassing) and cancel the appointment with the head of security. While the phone rings, you concoct a story that makes it seem like you’re not a complete idiot.
Step 21. Stick to that story
Step 22. Buy chocolate for everyone that helped look for it, because otherwise you’re being a douche and no one wants to be a douche. (Random: did you know douche in Dutch means shower? No, well you’re welcome for that bit of super relevant information)
Step 23. Do not write a blog post about it.
Step 24. If you’re stupid, like me, which you’re probably not, but just in case… Once the story is posted, quit and move to Canada anyway.
Step 25. Once you’re in Canada, google Trudeau, and realize he’s actually happily married to his beautiful wife Sofie, and has 3 kids. Get depressed that you moved to Canada for no reason, and proceed to eat poutine fries for the rest of your days till you die of a heart attack.
PS: As stated earlier, I would really appreciate it if no one ever sends this to my father. There is really no need for him to ever know that (I thought) I had lost my bracelet… again.
PPS: Anyone know a good recipe for Vegetarian Poutine fries? Email me: Ahalya@TheSparklr.com THANK YOU!
